Evil Olympics, Day NegativeTwo: No Partying In Beijing

Today is day -2 of the Olympic Games, which means that preliminary rounds of some sports are getting started now. For instance, in women's soccer, team USA stumbled out of the starting gate with a 2-0 loss to Norway. So it's time to ramp up my Olympics coverage of what a snow job the Chinese are trying to pull on the world with what could potentially be a respectable and highly enjoyable sporting event. The People's Republic of China has gone to great lengths to present itself to the rest of the world in a light that it would find favorable. I think pointing out some of the truth behind the facade would be better.

To start out with, since we aren't really getting started with the Olympics until the opening ceremonies, I'll keep it a little bit light -- partying in Beijing during the Olympics is going to be, well, not very much fun. Foreign guests are advised to respect Chinese laws while in China, which seems fair enough, but they are also cautioned that this includes an injunction that they "must not harm China's national security or damage social order." That's a pretty clear threat to not do things like talk about how great democracy is or to point out human rights violations in recent history to any of the natives. Or try to access pornography on the internets.

(Now, don't worry. Starting on day 1 of the Olympics, I'll be looking at some more serious sorts of issues that China doesn't want you to think about while contemplating the glory of the Olympics. But for now, we can ramp up with some insignificant sorts of things like this.)

There are a few other interesting laws. For instance, no one is allowed to smoke at an Olympic event. But Chinese people, more specifically Chinese men, smoke more per capita than any other nationality on Earth. Seems like this would be a massive enforcement problem. I guess if you need to smoke, you'll need to step outside Beijing to do it.

Even when not at the Games, tourists visiting China are advised to not get drunk. My guess is that, particularly for the athletes, the Olympic Games are an occasion to meet a lot of young, athletic, good-looking people from other countries with similar interests and get drunk with them and have sex with them. So a "no drinking" rule would pretty much squelch that party.

On a similar note, anyone with a sexually transmitted disease is not allowed to even attend a game as a spectator. I guess the PRC is worried about the AIDS getting spread around that ugly stadium they built by way of -- osmosis? And one wonders what they will do about herpes -- something like one in five people globablly has herpes. Genital warts are a sexually-transmitted disease, too. (To make it better for the squeamish prudes in Beijing, both herpes and genital warts are incurable!) So that means they'll need to do, what, blood tests on everyone trying to get in to watch the track and field events? Or maybe they'll just, um, take your word for it? "No, comrade morality officer. I do not have the AIDS. My slender male friend and I would please like to be admitted to the rhythmic gymnastics event now?"

So to start out the parade of horribles of China, we see that they have banned sex and partying from the Olympics. Or at least they've tried. It's the trying that is obnoxious, not the fact that inevitably, the attempt to stop people from drinking and screwing is doomed to failure.