Why John McCain Doesn't Need To Know How To Use E-Mail

C-SPAN brings you the following real-time transcript of debate of the floor of the United States House of Representatives that theoretically could take place on September 12, 2009:

Congressman 1 (R-FL): “Madam Speaker, This tax reform bill is bad for America! I personally received an e-mail from President McCain just this morning condemning the reform package. When I read what the President had to say, I was convinced. The government will take in less money and taxes for working Americans will actually increase. I urge my colleagues to join with President McCain and I in opposing the tax package!”

Congressman 2 (R-TX): “Madam Speaker, if I may inquire of my good friend from Florida? Thank you. Congressman 1, what exactly did that e-mail say? I received an e-mail from President McCain about two hours ago, asking me to support the reform bill.”

Congressman 1: “Well, it so happens that I have a printout of the e-mail here, Congressman. Take a look. You can see from the header on the e-mail that it came from jmccain@whitehouse.gov at 9:23 a.m. today.”

Congressman 2: “Huh. Here’s my printout, Congressman. It, too, is from jmccain@whitehouse.gov, but it came at 11:03 a.m. I know that’s the President’s actual e-mail address from exchanging e-mail with him... Could the President have changed his mind about this bill between the time he sent his message to you and the time he sent his message to me?”

Congressman 1: “Well, ah, do you, ah, do you stand with the President or not?”

Congressman 2: “I’d like to, since I know from our legislative briefings that the President’s reforms are aimed at bringing fiscal responsibility and easing the burden of taxation on American families. But now I don’t know whether he thinks this bill will advance that agenda!”

Congresswoman 3 (D-NJ): “Well, we Democrats are in favor of the bill, as should be all intelligent Members of Congress with the best interests of working Americans at heart. You Republicans can do what you like but I hope you'll put partisanship aside and vote for a fairer tax system.”

Congressman 4 (D-MN): “If I may interject, Madam Speaker? Actually, I think we should be opposed to the bill if the President is in favor of it. The President, as we know, favors laws that provide tax breaks to the rich and encourages deficit spending. So I suggest to my good friend from New Jersey that perhaps she should find out whether the President is in favor of or opposed to the bill before she urges her fellow Democrats to back it!”

Congressman 1: “Madam Speaker, my good friend from Minnesota is gravely mistaken! The President stands for a fair and balanced tax scheme and a responsible spending package! Members of Congress on both sides of the aisle should stand with John McCain in… um, whatever position he has taken on the reform bill.”

Congresswoman 3: “Maybe we should check with the White House and find out what the President’s position really is?”

Congressman 2: “I actually just sent a message from my Blackberry to the White House Legislative liaison, and I personally copied President McCain on the e-mail. Look, here’s the reply…”

Congressman 4: “For the record, Madam President, someone who claims to have a whitehouse.gov e-mail address has just offered my good friend from Texas a lower rate on his adjustable home mortgage, and I congratulate him on his creditworthiness.”

Congressman 2: “Well, that’s better than the e-mail I saw on your printout! ‘Natural male enhancement’ indeed – aren’t you getting a little old for that sort on thing, Congressman?”

Congresswoman 3: “That's not nearly as strange as the auto-reply you just got from the cc: you made to the President. When did he go back to Arizona on vacation and why didn't any of us know about it?”