Advice to Nissan Employees

It has been suggested to me elsewhere that I would reap good karma if, instead of writing "whiny, homesick, highbrow haikus," I provided advice for the hundreds of Californians who are moving or are about to move to Tennessee as a result of Nissan North America moving its headquarters to the Nashville area. This seems like good advice, so here goes. Nissan transplants -- here are my top ten tips for how you, too, can succeed in Tennessee.

1. Be Republican. Don't think too much about what politicians say or do; this is a matter of "good guys" versus "bad guys" and you needn't waste your intellectual resources on matters of such obviousness as evaluating the merits of individual public policy proposals. Only watch FOX News -- it's fair and balanced, after all.

2. Become a Baptist. Tithe more than the requested 10%. Tell everyone who comes within twenty feet of you that you do this.

3. Have a daddy who has held elected office. If you don't have a daddy, you will need to buy one in the form of your state house or state senate representative. Tennessee's state government will not work for you until the skids are greased, you know what I'm saying?

4. Have a high school diploma from a high school near where you live. Have a college diploma from UT. A degree from UT is worth more here than a degree from Harvard or Stanford.

5. Men: Your wife should join the Junior Legaue. Speaking of your wife, you will need to vouch for her when she applies for a driver's license. I'm not kidding. Women: Your first name is about to become your husband's first name, as in "Mrs. John O'Connor."

6. Learn to live without easy access to affordable wine. $20 doesn't go nearly as far here as what you've become used to in California. There is no Trader Joe's in Tennessee; the nearest ones are in Cincinnati and Washington D.C. You cannot get wine or booze in supermarkets, although beer is available six days a week in a majority of counties.

7. Tell everyone that your greatest ambition is to finish the AT (pronounced "ay-tee"). Learn how to fish, and learn to enjoy doing it.

8. Learn about NASCAR. Pick a driver and follow him all year. Figure out his number and put a sticker of that number on your rear windshield. Also, wear a lot of orange clothing.

9. Get a gas-powered weed whacker, and don't eat the wild onions that grow in your front yard. Prepare to spend a lot of time thinking about your lawn.

10. This is my most important bit of advice; if you disregard everything else I say, listen to this carefully. Never, never, never, under any circumstances, tell anyone that you have ever even been in California, much less that you lived there. Yours is an Arizona accent. If you slip and your Golden State history somehow comes out in conversation, explain that you "had to get away from all those fruits and nuts out there." Shake your head and shudder, and explain that you would rather change the uncomfortable subject.


Seriously, you can't understand until you get on the ground here exactly how people feel about California. They are often completely ignorant of what California is like, and remarkably afraid of the state. I've had people ask if there are gang members hanging out on every street corner selling drugs. I've had other people say that they were surprised to learn that I married a woman because they thought everybody in California was gay and that Christianity was somehow outlawed there. I suspect many Tennesseans would tell you they would be more comfortable in Iran than in California -- and they may be right, because about the only thing that some of these Tennesseans think that the mullahs in Iran have got wrong is their choice of holy book.