Cocktails

Cocktails are good sometimes. Not often, but a combination of bitter and cold enhances the taste of alcohol. Cocktails should not be sweet. They can have sweet elements -- tonic water, for instance, is mildly sweet, but it is more tangy and bitter than sweet. Limes have sweetness, but they are more tart than sweet.

Cocktails are for grownups. They aren't kid drinks, precisely because they aren't sweet. A candy-apple red martini is not a cocktail. It's alcoholic, to be sure, but that's not a cocktail. Calling it a "drink" is probably the most diplomatic label for such a concoction; "girl drink" is more like it. Enjoy such sweet girl drinks if you wish, but don't expect to get a lot of respect from me for knocking back a choco-tini and then giggling about how you feel tipsy.

Men, learn how to drink something suitable for grownups. About the sweetest thing a (heterosexual) man should ever drink is a margarita.

Everyone who indulges in a drink from time to time should pick a cocktail that they like, so that they always have a fallback. An adult should never have to peruse a "cocktail menu" to decide between the Midori Melon-Strawberry Martini and the Blue Razzelberry/Pineapple Delight is the right drink for the night.

There are about twenty kinds of cocktails out there. You can get a tonic (gin or vodka), a collins (gin or vodka), a martini (gin or vodka), a juice-and-booze combination, and various kinds of whiskey with (or without) water or ice. Try them out, find one you like, and that's your drink. When you go out with friends, you shouldn't have to think too hard about ordering a cocktail; you should already know what you want, order it, and be done with it.